The Civil War on Seinfeld

I sometimes think I pay for basic cable just so I can watch Seinfeld. Here are some memorable scenes that reference our favorite subject.

From: “The Boyfriend”
Scene: Jerry and George are changing in the locker room when they notice Keith Hernandez.

GEORGE: look at this guy. Does he have to stretch in here?
JERRY: You know who that is? That’s
GEORGE: Keith Hernandez? The baseball player?
JERRY: Yeah, that’s him.
GEORGE: Are you sure?
JERRY: Positive.
GEORGE: Wow, Keith Hernandez. He’s such a great player.
JERRY: Yeah, he’s a real smart guy too. He’s a Civil War buff.
GEORGE: I’d love to be a Civil War buff. … What do you have to do to be a buff
JERRY: So Biff wants to be a buff? … Well sleeping less than 18 hours a day would be a start.

From: “The Stranded”
Scene: Jerry and Elaine are waiting for Kramer to pick them up from a couple (Jenny and Steve) who hosted a party out on Long Island. Elaine tries to make small talk to kill time as it is very late in the evening.

Jerry: I’m sure he’ll be here any minute. Jenny (To Steve): I want them out of here.
Elaine: Call him again.
Jerry: I called, what should I do? (To Jenny) We really appreciate this.
Jenny (To Steve): It’s two o’clock in the morning.
Jerry (noticing a coffee table book): Oh, you got the Civil War book. I saw some of that show, it was wonderful.
Elaine: Six hundred and twenty million people died.
Jerry: Thousand.
Elaine: Thousand. Six hundred and twenty thousand. The horror, the horror. (To Jerry) The wife keeps giving us dirty looks. Are you sure you gave him the right directions?

From: “The Pitch”
Scene: Jerry and George are in the apartment discussing “nothing.”

George: “What did they do for toilet paper in the Civil War?”
Jerry: “What?”
George: “I wonder what toilet paper was like in the 1860’s. Did they carry it in rolls in their duffel bags?”
Jerry: “Everything with you comes down to toilet paper.”
George: “What?”
Jerry: “That’s always the first question with you. Why is that always your focus?”
George: “Alright, then what did they do?”
Jerry: “I don’t know. Maybe they gave out big loose clumps to all the soldiers.”
George: “I think it would be nice if there was some sort of historical record of it.”
Jerry: “Maybe they should have a toilet paper museum. Would you like that? So we could see all the toilet paper advancements down through the ages. Toilet paper during the Crusades, the development of the perforation, the first six-pack.”

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