If Donald Trump Had Delivered the Gettysburg Address

This little gem comes to us from The Angry Staff Officer blog. It was re-posted on George Takei’s Facebook page. All I can say is enjoy.

It was a long time ago – I don’t think anyone can even remember, but I can remember, I have a great memory, I’ve got the best memory ever. These guys, they made the most special thing, really, really special. Where everyone was free and everything was great, just the way I’ve made America, I really, really mean that.

Now we’ve got these people – I don’t like these people, let me tell you, they’re really awful, they said, “Hey Trump, you’ve got small hands,” and so I went after them, I really did, I sued them, and what did they do? They decided they wanted a fight and I said, “Okay, we’ll see who’s still here in a few years,” and see, we’re still here, on this battlefield. It’s a yuge battlefield, and it’s really, really, great, it’s so special. See, we’ve built this cemetery, so how big it is? It’s so special. And these guys – we’ve got the best guys – they tell me, “Hey Donald, give us someone who can lead us and we’ll beat these rebels,” and so I made things happen – it’s what I do – and boom, look, we’ve got this big, big win. These guys died winning, and I’m sure that makes their families just so, so happy, all this winning. It’s really great that we can be here to make this place special because of all the winning they did.

But really, we can’t make this place any more special than they did by winning so hard, unless it’s to build a brand new Trump Towers – Gettysburg – that’s right ladies and gentlemen, that’s right, right here, right where you’re standing, we’re going to build this yuge tower, and oh my goodness, it will be so special, so big. You’ll just get sick from how big it is. You say to yourself, “Hey, I wonder if anyone will remember this place.” And now you don’t have to wonder anymore because you’ll be able to see it from miles and miles away, that’s how yuge it will be. We’ll make those rebels remember this place where they lost, where they became losers. I really hate losers. I hate them so much that we’re going to keep on winning, just to show them how much of losers they really are, that’s what we’re going to do. What these guys did – and they’re just the best, so special – well, we’re going to make sure that what they won for is going to be kept alive forever. Know what I’m going to do? I’m going to build a wall, a yuge wall, really, really yuge, all along the Mason-Dixon Line, and know what? I’m gonna make Jeff Davis pay for it, I really am. That guy’s such a loser, it’s why I hate him so much, and I think it’s what the guys that won here would really want. I’m just going to keep this great country really great, and yuge, just like me. We’re going to keep winning until we’re so tired of winning that you’ll have to thank me for making everything so great. My government is going to be around for a while, so get used to that winning.

Oh hey, look, we’ve got someone yelling about issues over there. What’s that? Slavery? Throw that guy outta here, get him out, this is about winning, and he’s a loser.

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23 comments… add one
  • cliff Apr 1, 2016 @ 5:13

    Of all the historic speeches it seems almost prophetic that the author chose this one. The Donald reminds me of a Carpetbagger. In it just for himself and what he can get out of it while trying to convince all within earshot that it’s for the common good.

    Incidentally, they had a tower in Gettysburg. The locals hated it from day one. There was much cheering and celebrating when it was finally taken down.

    Thanks, but no thanks Donny.

  • darrin flowers Mar 31, 2016 @ 15:21

    Abe Lincoln was a pussy, and the reason this country is so screwed up. If he could see what a mess he caused, he would praise Trump.

    • Kevin Levin Mar 31, 2016 @ 15:23

      I love it. Spoken like a true Trump supporter. 🙂

    • bob carey Apr 1, 2016 @ 3:43

      Interesting comment . Darrin starts out by degrading and insulting Lincoln and then finishes up by stating that the man he despises would praise the man he admires. I would say that Darrin is a bit confused.

  • Mark H. Dunkelman Mar 31, 2016 @ 12:33

    Personally, I think “Abraham Trump’s Gettysburg Address,” which appeared on a website called “Funny or Die” last August, is even better: http://www.funnyordie.com/articles/3da2218436/abraham-trump-s-gettysburg-address?_cc=__d___&_ccid=583cb90097e41974

  • Sweetness ;-) Mar 31, 2016 @ 6:45

    Stick a few “Believe me’s” in there and that’s just about spot on!

    • R. Shack Mar 31, 2016 @ 16:29

      …and throw in the bit about how his supporters are going to get sick of winning, they’ll win so much.

  • Lynn McNutt Mar 30, 2016 @ 21:40

    I love the Gettysburg address, so it was hard to read that article, but I think it was realistic, if in fact, it had been given by Trump. Enjoyed Matt Birkenhauer’s reply very

  • Matt Birkenhauer Mar 30, 2016 @ 5:36

    HEAVEN–In a tweet sent from heaven yesterday, Abraham Lincoln announced: “Watching the Party of Me turn into the party of Steve King and Don Young. Am switching to the other side, till my side gets its shit together.” The founder of the modern Republican Party then followed his tweet with an email:

    “Almost eight score years ago, about the time of the Kansas-Nebraska Act, the modern Republican Party was founded, conceived in Liberty, and dedicated to the proposition that all men are created equal.

    Now the GOP is engaged in a great civil war, testing whether that notion, or any notion which somehow equates ‘liberty’ with xenophobia against all races but that of the Caucasoid race, can long endure. We are, in fact, right in the middle of a great battle with this Immigration Bill in Washington, with my party, the party that passed the Thirteenth and Fourteenth Amendments to the Constitution, calling large swaths of this country drug mules and wetbacks and worse, as we alienate just about every ethnic group in America. It is altogether stupid and un-wise that we should do this, but here we are.

    It is for the reasons enumerated above that I am switching parties. A party that supports voter suppression–as the modern GOP most assuredly did in 2012 and still does–and a party that condones the taking of a teenage African-American’s life in the name of the morally indefensible Stand Your Ground Laws–is a party that I can no longer support. It is my fervent hope that by withdrawing my support from this party, this party shall, under God, have a new birth of freedom–and that the party of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth.

    But I’m not holding my breath.”

    Abraham Lincoln

    • Pat Young Mar 31, 2016 @ 3:09

      Glad Abe clarified that.

    • Sparky Marshall Mar 31, 2016 @ 6:58

      And move to the party of Socialists and avowed communists? Of big government supporters, that ignore the limits of the Constitution as they heap more and more power towards Mordor on the Potomac? The party of baby killers, that facilitates and takes delight in the single mother mythology?
      The party that thinks nuisance lawsuits designed to cripple the domestic firearms industry, one of the few American industries that is still healthy, is progress? The party that has encouraged more and more participation in our social safety net services, so that now almost 50% of all Americans are dependent on the government in some way; food, shelter, energy, communications, medical access……all free, expect for to the taxpayer? Bye.

      • Robert Morse Apr 3, 2016 @ 18:26

        Abe Lincoln: “Well, now that you’ve put it that way…yes.”

      • Keith Stevenson Apr 4, 2016 @ 9:11

        even if all that were 100% true (which it’s not) … the answer is yes. THAT would be better.

  • Lisa Blanck Mar 29, 2016 @ 15:09

    And after he builds his huge wall, he’ll want to blow all the faces off Mt. Rushmore and put a YUGE one of himself in instead.

  • bob carey Mar 29, 2016 @ 13:28

    Great post really hilarious.

    Only problem I have is that about half way through it I envisioned the Penns. Monument with a huge Trump wig draped over it and I cannot get that sight out of my head. It is starting to make me nauseous.

  • Henry Sirois Mar 29, 2016 @ 7:13

    Enormous steaming mound of cattle feces

    • Kevin Levin Mar 29, 2016 @ 7:15

      I will interpret this response as signaling your enjoyment. 🙂

  • Annette Jackson Mar 29, 2016 @ 4:49

    Very funny, but so sad at the same time that he is even a contender. We can mock Trump because we see him for the demagogue he is, but his supporters don’t care.

  • Donald Shaffer Mar 29, 2016 @ 4:27

    Hilarious. But could Trump give such a short speech? I think he would swallowed up that loser Edward Everett’s time as well. 😉

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